Whole-Hearted Boundaries

I spend a lot of time thinking of, speaking of, and practicing “open-hearted living.” In an effort to cultivate a heart of kindness and compassion, I practice looking beyond behaviors to the Goodness that resides within each of us. I spend much of my time exploring topics such as vulnerability, love, and gratitude.

Somewhere along my life journey, it became clear to me, both in my own and experience and in listening to the experience of others, that there is a deep misunderstanding of what it means to live with an open heart. This misunderstanding states that to be kind and loving, I must ignore my own needs for the sake of another’s wants and needs. This misudnerstanding says that I must get small to protect another’s feelings. This way of living is not open-hearted, it is unboundaried.

Sometimes it is healthy to say no. Sometimes it is healthy to end a relationship. Sometimes it is healthy to say goodbye to a friend. Sometimes it is healthy to not volunteer at the next event. Sometimes it is healthy to walk away rather than towards. Sometimes the kindest thing we can do for another is to allow them to experience the consequences of their actions and not participate in the cleaning up of their mess.

There is a way to say no, to set a boundary, to express a personal need from a place kindness and compassion. A Whole-Hearted Boundary is rooted in the desire to protect your own heart. A boundary is not about telling another person what to do. A boundary is a statement of “this is what is healthy for me and this is what I am going to do to be healthy.” A friend once shared with me the “I love you sandwich.” I love you, this is not okay with me, and I still love you.

There is a place of truth and wisdom that resides deep within you. It is the place that your Voice longs to speak from. When something goes against your truth and wisdom, that place deep within begins to call for your attention. Are there ways in which you are dismissing your own feelings? Are there things you need to say – things that when you think of them your throat tightens and your breath shortens? Are there people who you have allowed to mistreat you for the sake of being kind?

Boundary setting, like open-hearted living, is practiced once situation at a time. Sit with your feelings, write about your situation, discuss it with a trusted friend or mentor. Contemplate the question: Where have I confused kindness with lack of boundaries? And then practice – one moment at a time practice doing it differently. Celebrate your willingness to look deeper into your life. Offer yourself patience and kindness as you learn and grow.