Down Goes the Wall – creating secure attachments

Before I built a wall I’d ask to know

What I was walling in or walling out,

And to whom I was like to give offense.

Something there is that doesn’t love a wall,

That wants it down.

Robert Frost

The wall: the emotional barrier created for self-protection.  We need love like we need water.  To love and to allow love in requires an open heart.  The problem with an open heart is that it not only invites feelings of joy and gladness, but it also invites hurt and loss.  The wall provides a feeling of safety in a world that has proven to be unsafe.

Our earliest attachment figures modeled for us what it is like to be in relationship with another human being.  If we were lucky enough to have emotionally available, safe, loving parents and caregivers, then we may have no need for protective mechanisms like the wall.  The reality is that most of our early relationships were filled with hurt, instability … sometimes even trauma and abuse.  The need for feelings of security and safety within our current relationships is clouded by the messages of unsafety we received in the past.

Open hearted living is a choice.  First comes the recognition that we are living behind the wall – closed and protected. Once that recognition has taken place we can begin to explore our own patterns of behavior, look honestly at our relationship choices, and create a new more stable relationship path for ourselves.

Begin by taking good, sweet care of your very own life.  What do you crave from another?

I want to be seen.

I want to be heard.

I want to be valued.

I want to be loved in a way that feels nurturing and safe.

I want stability.

How can you offer those things to yourself?

What do you see within yourself that is remarkable and unique?

How is your voice strong, courageous, and interesting?

What do you value the most about yourself … on a deep level?

What can you do today that will help you to feel loved and cared for?

What are some small changes you can make that will bring more stability to your life?

All changes begin on the inside.  Start by creating the relationship you crave within yourself. Be for you, the person you wish your loved ones had been.